10: Is The Male Gaze Unfair To Men? (Video Essay) | Answering TikTok Comments | Mental Health Monday

0:00 Hey Guys! Its Reese. Welcome to Reese Grey Analyzes YouTube, or the Adventure with me Podcast where we look at creations and experiences in art, media, music, & even videogames to explore exactly WHY we think the way we think, question what we believe, and learn something new.

0:20 My mic stand broke. Here I am holding it, everything's kind of squished in vertical… because I am hoping to paste these onto TikTok. Will it work? Yet to be determined. Well welcome to the first Mental Health Monday, these are viewer questions and comments from reesegrey.com TikTok and YouTube comments. Most of the questions I got were from TikTok hence the formatting but nothing else changed, the transcripts and article source notes are all on ReeseGrey.com r-e-e-s-e-g-r-e-y.com so I hope you guys like this! It's a pretty cute uh format I think. The little stylistic change for my YouTube fam here.

1:05 So, in this segment, I’ll be answering 6 questions, timestamps are in the description, and the topics vary, but, they all have a common theme of having trouble having conversations with people who are close to you, but who aren't willing to see a different point of view, seem kind of stuck in their ways, and it inhibits their relationship and their interpersonal communication. So with these questions will explore is it okay to question what you believe? Spoiler. Yes. Yes you should. Exploring the concept of optimistic nihilism, and uncovering the answer of why parents who have narcissistic tendencies tend to bully their children, and how this causes generational trauma for their own kids and kids they have. So, it's kind of a lot, that's kind of a lot, so let's get into it.

1:58 This first comment is off of a video I posted explaining the male gaze the concept of the male gaze by Laura Mulvey, and this commenter on TikTok said quote “I feel like the argument [Of the Male Gaze] is Onesided and that is why men tend to reject it. Men have their equivalent [issues] all throughout media but nobody talks about it. He goes on to say that men feel pressure to look a certain way because of He-Man, Hercules, Jacked superheroes, anime and claims men quote “never complain about it”.

2:33 So this response isn’t directed towards the commenter themself, I think they brought up a great concept when they mention the belief that some men understand the male gaze as a one sided argument, and incorrectly assumes that the male gaze doesn’t consider how the male gaze effects men,

2:55 We can talk about the male gaze and how it impacts women, just as we can evaluate that the male gaze also negatively impacts men.The male gaze just poses psychoanalytical questions that ask why we already have a preconceived notion of what a woman or man should act like or look like. It just questions the binary.

3:15 The male gaze is built around misogyny, wherein, the media has encouraged an internalized inferiority of feminie traits in relation to masculine traits. So men who do not live up to masculine standards can be the butt of the joke in cinema. Men who are more sensitive or smaller statured can be emasculated, or their sexuality questioned, or even thought of as being undesirable to women because of their stature. If a man doesn’t display attributes found in the media to portray manhood such as being muscular, tall, wealthy powerful, emotionless yet angry, they are seen as emasculated and can deteriorate real life male self esteem in the same emotional, intellectual and physical ways it does to women, and Laura Mulvey’s essay does absolutely outline that.

4:08 Whenever issues that concern women are brought up, its thought that the male gaze or feminism in itself is anti men, or a counter movement that is opposed to the equality of men and women, but it is not. Laura Mulvey the very woman who coined the term the male gaze in her essay visual pleasures of narrative cinema does indeed consider how the male gaze encourages toxic masculinity, and disallows men from freely expressing their emotions, and even lead to real life physical insecurities. So the commenter's concern of the male gaze argument being one-sided is a non-issue at least in the case of Laura mulvey's essay.

4:50 Starting conversations that change the status quo can be daunting. But just because someone is outlining social change that needs to happen because it affects one group, be it women, we’re not saying it doesn’t affect men too, and Laura didn’t either. Laura Mulvey’s concept of the male gaze is a critique on film that describes how usual narratives in film exist in a world that empowers men and sexualizes or objectifies women. Where men are active doers of the world while women are expected to take a more passive role in usually supporting male characters in film.

5:30 It’s also worth mentioning that in the commenters examples of male wrestlers & superheroes & anime. Those men exist very differently than the women of the same genre. The male gaze does affect men and women differently. Men in those mediums are largely depicted as strong and capable of making their own way. A lot of the time, those male characters are free to make mistakes, and learn to be better, and they don’t necessarily have to have a likable personality or be physically attractive, but they can exist as a complex character. The men were the heroes, the protagonists, they had deeper stories. And if you juxtaposed most of the men in those genres of movies to the women, women are the love interests, the doting wives, the heavily unnecessarily sexualized and infantilized women in anime, more often times than the male counterparts, media does not strictly adhere to those stereotypes. Women are ussually the supporters, they’re the desired, the sought after, the prize to be won.

6:37 It can be argued that it’s easier to quote “not complain” like the commenter mentioned, because men were the heroes, and that’s why it’s talked less about and easier to ignore, and it’s not because the male gaze doesn’t negatively affect men, because it does. Men are capable of and should be emotional, soft, delicate, graceful, refined, all words synonymous with femininity. And women on the other hand should be strong, able, opinionated, and direct. The issue here is the binary. Having the expectation of needing to stay only on one side of the binary is going to be harmful equally to men and women. So, this one-sidedness the commenter is talking about, maybe you feel that way because the current social climate has a focus on women. But men’s experiences too are heard and seen and talked about, in the same research that you’re claiming makes men reject it because it is one sided, but its not. And it would have been apparent if you took the time to read it, because it’s available and it’s available for free :)

7:45 Alright, that first one was kind of a doozy, but it was such a fun one, and I’ve definitely met a lot of people that get really defensive when they mention groups that aren’t treated well as other groups and they wish to see things change. But it’s not like they’re saying that other issues don’t matter, or their issue matter more, we’re just talking about women now, and we can talk about how it affects men too, absolutely. But the experience of one doesn’t negate the reality of the other.

8:14 Okay next question! This next one is less of a question and more of just an interesting and insightful comment, it reads:

“It’s like our parents want to prepare us for the bullies of the world but then become our bullies in the end”

This was in response to a video I did talking about how “Harsh Truths” parents tell their kids, do more harm than good. Now harsh truths can be necessary in developing character or they can just be cruel statements meant to make someone just feel bad. And this is why we should try to root our intentions in kindness, but there’s always nuance. And this comment got me thinking about the reasons why parents bully their children. The minority of parents are probably just sadistic, and just want to make their kids miserable because they believe it builds character.

But there are some parents who bully their kids to make them codependent, and perhaps not in a way where they are fully conscious of it. Codependency is characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a person typically one who requires support so this would be children who need the support of their parents. So a parent feels valued when their child is dependent on them, and wants to keep them dependent on them.

9:34 Essentially codependent parents might say sure I’ll accept you, but you’ll never really be good enough. Because you don’t know what’s best for yourself, I do cause I’m the parent.. Codependent parents try to control many aspects of their children's lives, essentially saying I’ll accept you, if you follow my path, and if you choose to stray, I can’t promise you that I will care for you and try to understand you because in a way codependent parents don't love you for you, but they love you because their daughter or son, as an extension of them as a parent.

10:11 Most kids feel seen by their parents but at the same time, the parents choose not to see and appreciate what makes them different, because there’s boxes that you must check in order to be a “good kid”. And these standards exist differently in every culture, but to speak to my lens let’s talk about what;s expected of me as a filipina girl. Be thin, have straight hair, be smart, get good grades and be quiet. Honor and conform or they will remind you everyday, every time they see you why you are not good enough and these standards and ideals are taught down generation after generation. And it causes generational trauma.

10:53 Generational trauma is basically a toxic cycle where you perpetuate the norm of what should be considered good enough. And you might think, if we know these ideals hurt people, then why are these ideals tolerated? Well, these standards can become so ingrained in culture that if a parent dares to change it, they believe it might actually cause harm to their child, because they’ll be outcast because their kid is different or the parent will be an outcast for going against the social norm of raising their kid differently. So that’s why a lot of the time, I don’t think parents don’t realize they’re hurting their kids by trying to squish them into a molds they can’t fit. Cause deep down they’re trying to protect their kids. In a way I think the parent’s own trauma from childhood has tricked themselves into thinking that perfection is possible, and If the could just make their kid perfect. They’d be enough, or close to it. And that’s why some parents (most notably immigrant parents) try so hard to give you everything that you need on the outside, don’t work just go to school, don’t date study, because if you have everything you need you can check all the rest of those boxes, right? And you can be successful.

12:08 Trying to understand these types of parents from a more compassionate lens, codependent parents often don’t have their own needs met in childhood themselves, so their own sense of self becomes muddled, and confused and unhealthy. So the rationalization is well, if I’m always needed as a parent to my child, that’s my reason and purpose, that’s my identity, as a mom or as a dad. They see their child not as a unique human, but as an extension of themselves and if they raise a good kid that makes them look good and it gives them purpose, and they can be deemed successful to themselves and their family.

12:49 Codependent parenting can be just a narcissistic way for parents to cope with their own childhood trauma that was never dealt with healthily way and just perpetuates a generational trauma cycle of people who were never taught a healthy sense of self and it just creates generations of parents who bully their kids based on standards from their own parents who said they were never good enough and it goes on and on and on until someone says enough. I will raise a child with a healthy sense of self, who won’t always need me, but who will hopefully want me around because I helped them grow.

And if you have parents like that, can you stitch this and let me know, cuz I wanna hear some feel good stories, let’s start some awesome parent appreciation.

13:33 Alright so this next comment reads “Optimistic nihilism, I could not find the words but you did”, and here I just wanted to give some context about where I got that phrase from.

So Optimistic Nihilism is a concept that can be traced back to German philosopher Frederick Nietze, And maybe some people will argue otherwise, and feel free to do so in the comments. I love learning & talking with you guys. His statement "god is dead" is probably his most prominent and well known quote. In the late 1800’s early 1900’s Scientific developments and the increasing secularization of Europe made a lot of people start to question the concept of God, who for so long had served as the basis for meaning and value in the Western world for more than a thousand years.

So for it’s time, to claim that god is dead, questioning such an ingrained cultural and moral belief led to outright nihilism, the belief that nothing had any inherent importance and that life lacks purpose without faith and without god. Nietzsche argued that Christian moral doctrine provided people with intrinsic value, a belief in God (which justifies the evil in the world), and gave people a comfortable basis for objective knowledge and a reason to live, because you live to honor god and get into heaven. In constructing a world where objective knowledge is possible, Christianity is an antidote to nihilism—a reprieve from the despair of meaninglessness.

15:12 So for Nietche’s time this was pretty wild, if he believed that life had no intrinsic meaning, but he also didn’t have faith, how could he possibly be happy, right? How could he have hope if he didn’t have a religious moral doctrine. Well, Nietzche’s saw his philosophy was a counter movement that actually rejected nihilism through appreciation of art. So instead of letting the meaningless of the world overwhelm us and think nothing matters, we accept that nothing matters, and we form what subjectively matters to us and mold those feelings into expressionism; into art. Embracing the feeling of surrender without needing to surrender to a god, but instead creating our own meaning. There are many things in life that we cannot control, but optimistic nihilist is grateful for this.

16:09 So if human beings seek for meaning and purpose but live in a world with no innate meaning, how does this seemingly depressing philosophy combat depression rather than amplify it? Well, narrows down what we have to worry about. This existential concept is called “The Absurd”. Like in the film Everything everywhere all at once we are but tiny creatures that live only briefly compared to the universe too, And it’s just so large and too much for our brains to comprehend, and its random and absurd. There are infinite choices and realities and nothing is promised, you can try your absolute hardest and you may not still not get what you dream of, and someone else may just be born into a family where your dream is handed to them. And maybe they don't even want it.

17:02 The Optimistic Nihilist doesn’t feel like they have to surrender to the what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, what doesn’t kill us just doesn’t kill us, and that doesn’t mean losing hope because meaningless sadness is just meaningless.. It means that you embrace the fact that meaningless sadness will be a part of your life, and things will be unfair and unjust and we should still try our best and we should still try to be kind and we should want to change things for the better, and we should want to be better ourselves and be kind, just because we should. The fact that you don’t have complete control can be scary, but it can also set you free. It allows you to focus on what matters, and what matters can be whatever you want it to be.

17:50 I really like the term of optimistic nihilism it really does bring me a lot of Peace this next question is more of a person who left a correction on one of my TikTok’s they say:

The myopic lens doesn't necessarily mean someone sees something from one view, it means you hold the view despite evidence to the contrary and still just power forward with it anyway.

So, I love this commnet, This comment is so interesting and made me think that For some, it is not hard evidence that cements a person’s sense of certainty in an issue, but rather feedback they get from other people. In the book “The misinformation age” by 2 philosophers from University of California Irvine, Cailin o'connor and James Owen weatherall, seriously read this book if you’re curious how false beliefs spread.

18:48 If a person believes they know a lot about something, even when they don’t, they are less inclined to delve into that topic and learn more, thereby failing to realize how little that they actually know. The authors of this book don’t degrade people by saying that people who hold false beliefs are exclusive to the uneducated or the easily tricked, or naive. Holding false beliefs are due tot he company that you keep. The trust that you hold in the people who give you the information, or distrust in people who are trying to give you information or a distrust into the institutions that are trying to teach you. So it’s a kind of like misplaced trust or extreme trust for people who believe the same things we already believe.

19:38 This “evidence” of facts and logic the commenter references, it is not regarded as evidence to people who refuse to have a conversation. A large number of the population believes lies and falsities not for logical, but for psychological reasons because their view of the world supports a psychological need and comfort. This, is why people tend to cling to falsities. The authors describe that to renounce or question deeply held beliefs or core beliefs would mean to reexamine how you viewed the world around you, how you viewed everything, and how you lived, and how you’ve coped, and how you’ve made decisions. It’s easier to stay grounded in your already held life view because how could your reality be false if you’re living it and you’re believing in something right now.

20:27 It makes people really on uncomfortable to question their core beliefs. It’s why rich, famous, and educated people have been seen joining cults and feel comfortable in an objective set of rules and customs. Because no matter who you are everyone feels fear, uncertainty and anxiety. The outside world is confusing, and difficult for everyone to understand and facts and truths can be hard to accept. So people fly away from reality, join a cult and find a simple explanations that satisfies their needs

21:01 Human certainty seems to primarily follow a quick and simple confirmation bias loop rather than vigourous analysis, and its so acceptable because it happens so rapidly and subconsciously within your brain. So the concept of powering through that this commentor mentions though, that may not be how those people are feeling. It’s not powering through, it's just standing by, idly. Comfortably existing within a reality where you just believe what you believe.I loved that comment, thank you for it.

21:37 So this next question came from a video I made about the generational divide of comedy and how socio political factors encourage a generation's comedy, and why comedy tends to change between age groups. So a commenter asked

Mind if I ask what philosophical lens you're thinking through all of this with? I noticed the millennial memes focused on socioeconomic [issues and were] almost marxist…

So, this is a great question. So, socioeconomic issues affect comedy and memes between all generations, and marxism could have experienced a revival in millennial memes however, millennials or gen z were not the first to cross political movements & messages with art, though there is a new modern revival of doing so.

22:30 So, let’s talk about the Dada Movement. This artistic movement was created in reaction to World War 1. The Dada movement consisted of artists who rejected the logic, reason, and aestheticism of modern capitalism, and instead expressed a nonsense, irrationality, and anti-bourgeois protest in their works. It’s really familiar to the absurd comedy seen in Gen Z memes, so a lot of people in the comments of the last tiktok voiced this opinion.

22: 56 So, dadaist artists expressed their discontent toward violence, war, and nationalism, and the art wasn’t limited to being visual, it was literary as well, it was musical, it was sound poetry,collages, cut-up writing, sculptures.

Overall art and comedy and expression is just a way to cope and process what is going on in your personal life or whats going on in the world. No matter your age, or generation, you’ve felt anxious, distrusting and angry with the society that you were raised in. Wondering can I change it, and is there something that can be done, is there something that I can do? And if I do something, is anyone going to listen? Does anyone even care?

23:39 These anxieties are present in memes across generations, it’s something everyone can understand, its just expressed differently stylistically between generations, whether it’s a relatable joke about depression or a nonsensical meme. From Dada-ism 100 years ago to GenZ absurdism, memes express a frustration with the status quo. Both challenge the society that forced us to grow up at times, too quickly, whether they are trying to draw attention to a specific issue, or are defying what is considered traditionally funny.

Absurdity, lack of a clear punchline, and a design to be purposefully misunderstood in a world and at an age where it can be scary to be yourself. There’s safety in sarcasm and several layers of irony.

No matter the generation, we all enjoy absurdity, comedy and art are subjective, and you can enjoy memes and consume them passively, laugh and move on, or you can evaluate the sociopolitical constructs that effect senses of humor and explore memes analytically, and write a very much too long video essay on it. Art and expression is never “just art” it has meaning, and exploring it is fun.

24:50 So this next question, the last question, is honestly my favorite, so the comment reads verbatim;

“Well when the pig is offered slop or starving they always chose the slop, so what does that say for the food we eat”

Okay, so this comment didn’t make much sense in relation to the video that I uploaded, but the question itself was really interesting. It’s basically asking; Why do people return to things that hurt them? Why do people eat food they know is bad for them, why do people seemingly choose to hurt themselves?

25:28 So, In book “The body Keep the Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk. In a 1967 experiment that would be very very illegal now, at University of Pennsylvania repeatedly administered a painful electric shocks to dogs trapped in locked cages. After several courses of shock, the researchers opened the cages and shocked them again. Dogs who had never been shocked before immediately ran away, but dogs who had been subject to “inescapable shock” before, made no attempt to flee. They stayed, whimpering and defecating…

26:00 Like these dogs trapped in locked shock cages, people learn to cope within their traumatic situations. It is what they’re trapped in. It is what they know.Being traumatized means organizing your life as if the trauma were still going on. Colloquially I’ve heard it described pretty crudely as being addicted to trauma. This project was revisited in 2017, 50 years later from the same University of Pennsylvania. In 1967 what was originally learned from the study was that the dogs learned that outcomes were independent of their responses—upon the opening of the cages, the dogs believed nothing they did mattered – and that this belief undermined trying to escape.

26:44 This experiment since has been largely critiqued. And conversations have been refocused the conversation on future mastery of the trauma, and planned ways to prevent self-harm, to conquer learned helplessness.

The experiment originally showed that there was passiveness and a focus on basic survival because of the heightened anxiety. Staying was a default reaction to prolonged bad events. It was learned that--- It was learned from the dogs that they were trapped, and with training, it can also be recognized that bad events will be controllable in the future.

27:25 So people return to traumatic spaces and self harm because they’re not taught or shown or believe that something can change. Maier and Seligmann explain that “hope” consists largely in the habit of expecting that future bad events will not be permanent, global, and uncontrollable, rather they will be temporary, local and controllable. So people stay or return to trauma because they believe it’s the best option until they learn otherwise, or believe or hope otherwise.

27:56 Alrighty guys, there’s plenty of more questions, but that’s enough for this segment, I’m trying to keep the topics relatively similar so I hope this new format was nice and enjoyable. So, feel free to leave your comments in the YouTube comments or submit on ReeseGrey.com under the mental health monday section.

Also y’know what’s coming up its spooky season my fav. And for that I’m going to be doing a spooky subathon on Twitch. We’ll be doing Halloween cookie decorating, Haunted house decorating. And I’ll be playing community games like jackbox, fall guys, mario kart, bingo and my mod Beyde will be making spooky jeopardy it’ll be so cute. For the whole month of October we’ll actually be dedicating it to cute spooky games, ok not too scary I hope guys maybe I dont know *stammers*. I even found a spooky gummy train to decorate and it’s gonna be so cute to decorate and to munch.. So Join the discord or follow me on Twitch for more information on that. I’m HewwoReese on Twitch

h-e-w-w-o-r-e-e-s-e You can find the links in the description or on ReeseGrey.com as always. I appreciate you guys and I'm looking forward to so much this month and that's it for today so okay love you bye :)